When you hire a mover, you want the best deal you can get - unless your company is paying for it in which case you simply want ‘the best’. But even on corporate relocations you may have to shop around and get several bids. You’re about to entrust all your worldly possessions to someone you’ve probably never met, so be careful who you call. After twenty-five years in the moving business, I’ve seen plenty of fly-by-nighters out there, movers with a phone line or a website who talk a good game and promise terrific deals. Keep in mind their sales people will be going from your attic to the basement through all of your cupboards, closets and cabinets to estimate your shipment weight and packing requirements. They’ll know where you keep your jewelry, your silverware, your guns and your booze. They will be privy to the layout of your home. If one of them shows more than just a passing interest in the value of your stuff, if he spends extra time in your bedroom closet examining the console of your burglar alarm or if he shows up wearing gloves and a black ski mask, it’s a subtle indication that he may be back before moving day.

    Most people turn to the yellow pages to find a trustworthy moving firm. It’s not a bad start, but don’t stop there. Once you have a list of prospective movers, check them out with the local chambers of commerce and better business bureaus. Reliable movers should be registered with the U.S. Department of Transportation or its equivalent in your state’s bureaucracy. To see if a mover is properly licensed and insured, write, call or visit the website of that agency. If they’ve never heard of Fli-By-Nyte Moving & Storage and you hire them anyway, your stuff may wind up in a consignment store instead of your new home. And if Fli-By-Nyte Moving & Storage doesn’t have proper insurance, when their employee drops your grand piano on his foot, you’ll be on the hook for big bucks.

    Licenses, permits and insurance are expensive. If Fli-By-Nyte Moving & Storage doesn’t have those expenses, or an office, or professional equipment, or well-trained personnel to pay, they can dump your furniture into a broken-down trailer without pads and haul it anywhere you want to go for pennies on the dollar compared to a professional. Then, when you discover they ‘forgot’ to include damage insurance in your contract, you can pay a highly skilled furniture repairman what it would have cost you to hire a professional mover in the first place.

    If you or your friends have used a local mover and had a good experience, that would be a great reference, but still check their credentials and visit their facility. Good housekeeping is the hallmark of a well-run business. If you’ve had a bad experience on a long distance move with a brand-name mover, the source of the problem was probably the local agent or the driver, not the entire van line network. You wouldn’t stop eating McDonald’s hamburgers if you got one lousy burger from one of its restaurants, so don’t disqualify a local agent just because he has the same affiliation as the jerk who moved you before. He might just be the best mover around.

    Some reputable relocation consultants market their services on the internet, but beware the 'Cyber Mover', my friend. Scallywags lurk on the web, ready to ensnare the unwary. 'Cyber Movers' are those unscrupulous and often unlicensed freelance moving brokers who proliferate on the internet and feed on victims held spellbound by the promise of dirt-cheap moving services. All it takes to become a 'Cyber Mover' is a phone line, a computer and a web page from which they may operate ‘virtually’ with no regulation. They don’t own trucks or run a moving company; instead they book orders online and then search for a van operator who will move your stuff for a cut-rate fee. They don’t guarantee their scheduling, so if they can’t find a van operator who’s desperate for a load, you may find yourself alone on moving day scrambling for another mover. 'Cyber Movers' always require a large non-refundable deposit but they seldom survey your home or guarantee their price. They usually have you fill out an online form to tell them what you have to ship. If you fail to list everything you are moving, you may get a final bill which is several orders of magnitude higher than the figure you expected, and you won’t get your furniture back until you pay it.

    Ok, you have the short list of movers you are going to call. Now what? You know that the more stuff you have, the more they’ll charge you to move it. You haven’t cleaned out the attic in years and your three-car garage now has room for only one. It’s time for the Three G’s - Garbage, Giveaway, and Garage sale.

    Garbage is easy. If you don’t want it, it’s not likely you can sell it and even the Salvation Army won’t haul it off, get rid of it. Giveaways are a little trickier. If you are not so attached to that moth-eaten moose head hanging in the garage that you’d pay to move it, and nobody in their right mind - except your golfing buddy who loves it - would give you a farthing for it, then you have to decide whether ingratiating yourself to your buddy is worth provoking the ire of his wife.

    After you discover the local libraries don’t want your old books or National Geographic collection, you might try to reap some pocket cash by selling the junk that remains. It would be wise to advertise your sale a week in advance and be sure to allow an entire day for the event. Yes, twenty-four hours is a long time, but you know the early birds will arrive well before breakfast with a keen interest in your worms and the late comers don’t really care if you are interested in watching David Letterman. But most garage sales aren’t sell-outs and any leftovers will only add to your moving cost, so be ready to dispose of them. Or you could salt your attic with a few ‘artifacts’ so the new occupants might someday experience the thrill of discovery (nothing perishable, please).

    If you’ve ever been audited by the IRS, you know that the "dog ate my records" excuse is never accepted for tax purposes. If a box gets lost, Murphy’s Law guarantees it will always be the box of greatest importance, so don’t send your tax records with the movers, or your photo albums, or your school records or address books. And be sure not to send your medicine or your car keys on the van.

    I remember the first move I observed as a sales trainee. The driver was kind and capable, and the customer was nice enough to fix snacks for us during the lunch break. Before departure they did a tour of the house to be sure nothing was overlooked. On the walk through the customer noticed her overnight case wasn’t where she left it in the bedroom closet. Her heart pills and her car keys were in it. Fortunately, the driver knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, it was the first thing he had loaded into the van. Decide well in advance what you’re going to take with you.

    OK, you’re ready to call in the troops. For Pete’s sake, don’t put off getting estimates until the last minute. I’m convinced some people envision the offices of a moving company as a huge room lined with benches full of burly moving men biding their time until the phone rings. Nothing could be further from the truth. From October to May most companies will require a week’s notice, and during the busy season you’d better nail down a mover at least two weeks in advance.

    Would you like to get $10 for a cup of coffee? Would you smile for $50? Would you show up on time for an appointment for $300? Estimators have a lot of discretion when it comes to pricing. Some of them are almost human and the better you treat them, the more likely they are to be generous with their discounts. If you grouse and grumble and tell them you think all movers are crooks, you are branding yourself a ‘disaster waiting to happen’. In their eyes, nothing will satisfy you. You will probably be complaining constantly and pressing claims over trivial matters. Estimators will pad their bids accordingly to compensate for the extra time and attention it will take to deal with you and your attitude.

    You should certainly expect your estimator to show up on time for his appointment, but the importance of being prompt cuts both ways. If you’ve booked an appointment and can’t be there on time; a courtesy call to the estimator would be a good investment - literally. Anyone can find himself running a few minutes late and most sales people don’t mind waiting outside for five or ten minutes – especially for a sizeable order. But after ten minutes, your discount may begin to evaporate and if you keep a sales rep waiting over half an hour you probably won’t be able to afford his services. Being tardy for just one appointment might not be cause for worry, but Murphy’s Law guarantees that the only sales rep you alienate will always be the one who would have offered the best deal, so greet them all at the door on time with a smile and a cup of coffee. Later you can treat the entire family to dinner - you just saved $360.

    If you know what you want to ship and the services you want the movers to perform, you should always ask for a firm price or a not-to-exceed proposal. Unless your company needs a firm price for accounting purposes, the not-to-exceed version is the best way to go. If the transportation charges - based on actual shipment weight - combined with the cost of the other services the mover provides are less than the estimate, your bill will shrink accordingly. But never try to fool the estimator. It could be a costly mistake. The items you intend to ship will be inventoried and the services you order will be meticulously defined in the mover’s proposal. That document will be part of the moving contract you will sign, so review it very carefully. If you try to add items or if you didn’t finish packing and need the mover to complete it for you, they can and will charge you extra.

    If you’re undecided and can’t define your move, when a sales rep gives you a non-binding estimate, it will just be an educated guess. The bottom line may not have any basis in reality and your final bill will be calculated from the true weight of your goods and the services the mover performs. Only the discount may be guaranteed.

    Before 1980 there were no discounts or binding estimates on interstate moves. Rates were set by a tariff filed with the Interstate Commerce Commission and every mover charged the same price to move the same weight. Packing, storage, all moving services were strictly regulated and all movers charged alike. It was common back then for shady sales reps to deliberately underestimate the weight or the packing so a customer would sign his order. Then on delivery the driver would drag out an overstuffed chair so the customer had a place to faint when he saw his final bill. After the ICC got enough complaints, they changed the regulations so movers could guarantee their customers wouldn’t be charged any extra if the actual weight exceeded the estimate. Of course enterprising sales reps began shaving estimates by a few percent to compete for orders, and you can’t do anything for nothing, so the moving industry soon petitioned for a rate hike and sought permission to offer discounts. Now I don’t usually trust anyone who offers me half price, but with the never-ending cycle of discounts and rate hikes which followed the re-regulation of the industry, today you wouldn’t even want to talk to an interstate mover who didn’t offer a fifty percent discount.

    If you’re paying your own bill or you have a moving allowance but get to keep what you don’t spend, you can save a bundle by doing some of the packing yourself. On turn-key relocations, packing accounts for about a third of the cost. It doesn’t take a genius to stack books in a box and tape it up. Socks and sweaters don’t put up much of a struggle when stuffed into a carton. But what about your Tiffany lamp and your Waterford crystal? Unless it’s packed by the mover, if something gets broken it’s hard to press a claim, so you might want them to handle your valuables and the hard-to-pack items like glass tops, lamps and your moth-eaten moose head.

    Do you spend hours of relaxation in your Jacuzzi watching big-dish satellite on your plasma TV? Unless you want to leave that all behind, you have some calls to make. Movers are good at moving, but they aren’t experts at plumbing, carpentry, brain surgery or electronics. If your entertainment center looks like the movie set of Frankenstein’s laboratory, don’t expect them to rewire it for you at your new castle. Movers can handle your grand piano, but if you now own the cathedral organ from the movie Phantom of the Opera, it’s not going anywhere until you make it road-ready. Movers can hire professional service technicians for you if you wish, but they’ll also charge a commission.

    A sales rep from a Texas brewery once called me from a booth he’d set up for Spring Break on South Padre Island. He said he had eight-hundred pounds he wanted to ship back to San Antonio. I quoted a price based on the tariff. When our crew arrived the next morning, there stood eight-hundred pounds of hollow papier mâché in the shape of a Texas armadillo. It was thirty-five feet long. It was six feet wide. We negotiated a slightly higher figure.

    If a mover ships your stuff and something gets broken, then surely he must pay for it, right? Think again. An Imperial Easter Egg by Fabergé might weigh just a few pounds, but its price tag may have eight digits. If the packers accidentally drop it down three flights of stairs, unless the owner has loss and damage coverage his reimbursement will be only three figures - two of them after the decimal. Movers have to offer a limited form of coverage when they move you. It’s called ‘valuation’. It covers against mover negligence only and on interstate moves it automatically covers up to sixty cents times the weight of anything lost or damaged. If something weighs fifty pounds, it’s covered up to $30 but if a meteor falls out of the sky and demolishes the truck in flames, you’ll have to settle with the owner of the meteor. You can pay the mover extra to increase his liability or you can buy all-risk insurance from an insurance agent. When you put your stuff on wheels; you’re tempting Murphy’s Law. Take the extra coverage.

    So how much is your stuff worth? A two-bedroom apartment might have 4,000 pounds of stuff. A four-bedroom home could have 16,000 pounds. Now $20,000 might cover a two-bedroom apartment and $80,000 sounds reasonable for a four-bedroom home - that’s five dollars a pound. But, can you replace ten pounds of dishes or clothing for $50? A fifty-cent, one-ounce box of toothpicks is $8 a pound. If you ignore your personal effects and tally up the cost of your living room set, den furniture, bedrooms, dining set, appliances and electronics, that figure may be less than half the value of your shipment. There are few total losses every year, but if you are the anointed one and your van explodes on the highway, be sure you have enough coverage to regain a semblance of your standard of living.

    Anything you do to document the value of your stuff will be helpful if you wind up with missing items or a catastrophic loss. If you have a camera, take pictures before you move. If something gets lost, it can be identified and if something is destroyed, pictures may help prove its value. And be sure to declare any exceptionally expensive items when the mover does his inventory. I once inspected a claim on a high-value antique. It was a dilapidated wooden picnic table which had fallen apart in transit. If it had been in my back yard, I would have heaved it into the alley for the trash collectors, but it was an eighteenth century relic once owned by a celebrity. If the driver had known, he wouldn’t have stacked it between the lawn mower and the barbecue pit.

    A preacher once called to report the movers had scratched his bookcase when they moved him into his recently rented home. The claims adjustor set up an inspection and the next morning he knocked at the preacher’s door. The postman had just left and sticking out of the mailbox was a magazine wrapped in black plastic. The wrapping had been torn and the adjustor could see part of the cover which read "Hustler". The claims adjustor had heard rumors (from strictly wholesome and moral sources) of such a publication, but doubted this customer had ordered it. When the preacher answered the door, he retrieved his mail. A fire engine would have paled in comparison to the hue of that poor man’s face when he gazed back at the adjustor - who struggled unsuccessfully to maintain his composure.

    Moving entails more than just getting your stuff transferred. Subscriptions, medical records and school transcripts need to be forwarded, change of address notices should be sent to insurance companies, financial institutions, family and friends. And don’t just turn the lights out when you leave. Have your utilities shut off or transferred. If that one-bedroom apartment you just vacated is rented by a foreign exchange student from Australia and he finds a live phone connection at his disposal, you might have to arrange a payment schedule with your former phone company.

    It’s moving day. The van pulls up and a crisply uniformed crew of professionals energetically descends upon your home. That’s the way it is supposed to be, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. What if the driver shows up alone - and his age exceeds his weight? What if the van never shows up? In a pinch, major van lines will have their local agent retrieve your shipment and hold it for another van, but many independent movers don’t have that ability. Unless a riot or tornado prevents him from loading or delivering, the mover must cover any reasonable expenses you incur if he misses the agreed dates. But he won’t offer it unless you ask, so call their office, note the time, date, and who said what. Then change your flight and go to a hotel, but keep your receipts.

    Let’s assume the best - you’ve just met the person who’s about to haul off everything you own. Within a few minutes it should be obvious if the fellow is competent. You may want to offer some incentive to ‘grease the wheels’ so to speak. Tipping is a sometimes thing in the moving business, and a mover rarely knows if he’ll get one until after delivery. A savvy customer will use tipping as both an incentive and a reward - all it takes is a pair of scissors. Decide in advance how much you’ll tip him and give him half of it up front - the right half - before you accompany him as he does his inventory.

    An inventory sheet is a multi-part form on which the driver lists all the things you’re shipping. He’ll put a numbered tag on each box or piece of furniture before it goes in the van, then key that number to the list, describe it and note any pre-existing damage. By signing it, you’re agreeing he has accurately described each item and your copy will be your receipt. The driver may use a code to record the condition of each piece. The code key is detailed on the form, but you should still ask him to explain each exception he takes and if he tries to list damage which doesn’t exist, note your protest on that page before you sign it - then pull your copy of the inventory and burn the other half of his tip.

    Have you ever seen the remains of a Chihuahua after a two-hundred pound mover fell on top of it - followed by a three-hundred pound refrigerator? Blood can really stain a carpet - whether it comes from a dog, your pet iguana or a curious child - so keep them all safely tucked away when the movers are working. When they’re through, bid a fond farewell to your old abode and prepare yourself for the second half of your ordeal.

    In August of 1980 a customer, his furniture and Hurricane Allen all arrived at South Padre Island on the same day. The inbound lanes of the causeway were closed that morning. The driver had a schedule to keep and couldn’t endanger his other loads by waiting around, so the furniture was deposited at my warehouse. The weather blew through later that evening. Luckily, it was a weak storm which caused little damage, but the aftermath devastated the customer who paid several hundred dollars in handling and redelivery charges.

    "But it wasn’t my hurricane," lamented the customer when we collected. And he was right, but we hadn’t conjured the tempest either. Since he couldn’t accept delivery, we could legally charge for anything we did to preserve his stuff. If a house closing cancels, a flood makes delivery impossible or you try to pay the driver with a personal check - if anything happens which is not the mover’s fault and you can’t take delivery on the dates you’ve agreed to - he’ll put your stuff in storage at your expense. And if you refuse to pay, he can legally sell it to collect his charges.

    Did you catch the part about the personal check? Unless you’ve made arrangements in advance to be billed or you prepaid with a credit card, the driver won’t deliver until you pay him in cash or certified funds. He’s responsible for his collections and he knows Murphy rather well.

    When the movers deliver, have them call the tag-number of each item they bring in as you inspect it for damage and checkmark the number on your inventory. When they’re finished, if something is damaged or a number isn’t marked, note it on their inventory before you sign it - otherwise you’re signing a clear receipt. You’ll have a reasonable grace period to file claims for concealed damage, but if you sign for something you didn’t receive, you’ll have better luck pulling hens’ teeth than pressing a claim. Have the mover send you a claim form and file it as soon as possible. Don’t fix or throw away any broken items before your claim is settled. If you can’t show the damage to an adjustor, he won’t pay you for it.

    The last box is inside. The paperwork is signed. The driver has locked the van and driven away. Congratulations, you’ve survived one of the most stressful experiences any human can endure. You’re exhausted. You have a headache. You really need a cup of coffee and certainly you’ve earned it, but where’s the coffee pot? Oh well, you can look for it tomorrow. For now, just take some aspirin, climb into your favorite easy chair and unwind.

    But where’s the aspirin?